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" I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked. "

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" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" While some of my closest friends were jocks, it seemed that they spoke a different language with each other. Joining in their conversation was fraught with risk. "

" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "

" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" I love Christmas. Frosty the Snowman, peace on Earth and mangers, Salvation Army bell ringers and reindeer, the movie 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' office parties and cookies. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "