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" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "
" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "
" I bruise like a grape. "
" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "
" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "
" I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked. "
" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "
" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "
" While some of my closest friends were jocks, it seemed that they spoke a different language with each other. Joining in their conversation was fraught with risk. "
" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "
" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "
" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "
" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "
" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "
" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "
" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "
" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "
" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "
" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "
" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "
" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "
" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "
" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "
" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "
" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "
" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "
" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "
" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "
" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "
" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "
" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "