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" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

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" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "

" I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "