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" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

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" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" While some of my closest friends were jocks, it seemed that they spoke a different language with each other. Joining in their conversation was fraught with risk. "

" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "