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" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

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" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "