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" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

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" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "