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" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

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" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" No, no, no separate but equal... never the twain shall meet. And the pendulum kept swinging and it came to rest in the bastard hybrid known as the Daily Show. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "