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" I hate homemade sweaters. "

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" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "

" I love Christmas. Frosty the Snowman, peace on Earth and mangers, Salvation Army bell ringers and reindeer, the movie 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' office parties and cookies. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" I have a Keurig coffee maker, which is really kind of a luxury. It was given to me by an ex. I realized when I'm feeling sentimental, I'll gently, tenderly press the button. Then when I remember he dumped me, I punch it. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "