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" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

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" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" While some of my closest friends were jocks, it seemed that they spoke a different language with each other. Joining in their conversation was fraught with risk. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" I love Christmas. Frosty the Snowman, peace on Earth and mangers, Salvation Army bell ringers and reindeer, the movie 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' office parties and cookies. "

" I wish I had played team sports. I think every kid should. Teamwork builds character - teaches people about leadership and cooperation. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "