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" If there's one thing that everyone can agree on, it's that, right or wrong, they hate the press. "

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" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" I am a kamikaze gadfly. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" Honestly we never lied to people about who we were. Usually the wackier interviews came to pass because the interview subjects, aware that we were Comedy Central, just wanted to get their stories out. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "

" Think of all that hard work our founding fathers put in - the revolutionizing, the three-fifths compromising, having to write the entire Constitution with a quill - and yet they neglected to include the right to vote. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" While some of my closest friends were jocks, it seemed that they spoke a different language with each other. Joining in their conversation was fraught with risk. "

" I don't think everyone should vote. If you have to be dragged into the polls, carried into the polls and smelling salts have to be used, you probably shouldn't be voting. However, we shouldn't be putting up barriers to voting that target certain groups. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" I bruise like a grape. "

" Look, not embracing the 'Today' show is soooo yesterday. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "