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" I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up. "

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" And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy. "

" I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be when I started. "

" I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend. "

" Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days. "

" I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy. "

" Anyone who bombs is my friend. "

" I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written. "

" I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work. "

" Only lately, like within the last few years, have I had people actually do an impression of me to me, which weirds me out to think of what they have picked up on, without ever realizing it myself. "

" I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate. "

" I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value. "

" I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport. "

" I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage. "

" It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special. "

" I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians. "

" My sister sometimes does a Todd Barry tribute act. "

" I once sat next to Jim from Wild Kingdom on a flight from Atlanta. I find mentioning that opens a lot of doors. "

" I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right. "

" People in New York love having roof parties. "

" I loved Australia. I was very successful there. "

" I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage. "

" You always think you're better than you are in the beginning. "

" I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all. "

" There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake. "

" People don't understand that that's really what it is. They're looking for a magic phone number or something. And to a certain extent, I understand that, because comedy is treated so much as a stepping stone by a lot of people. "

" You come there and hang out and have a drink before the show and eat, so it's not that brutal. It's only $6. "

" I did end up doing substitute teaching, but there's not a lot of teaching involved in that. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" There's people that are just in awe of what you do, and then there are people who just think it's garbage. And I think there are people who are just uncomfortable seeing someone have fun with their job. "

" I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it. "