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" I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value. "

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" I had some friends that tried it down there, and I went to a couple of open mics, and I just kind of got this... this sick urge to try it instead of just watching it. "

" I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone. "

" People in New York love having roof parties. "

" I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all. "

" I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place. "

" I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase. "

" I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport. "

" Some venues are better run than others. Sometimes it's just maddening to deal with full dinners being served in front of your face. You can have a good or bad show anywhere. "

" I once sat next to Jim from Wild Kingdom on a flight from Atlanta. I find mentioning that opens a lot of doors. "

" I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it. "

" Anyone who bombs is my friend. "

" There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake. "

" I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate. "

" People don't understand that that's really what it is. They're looking for a magic phone number or something. And to a certain extent, I understand that, because comedy is treated so much as a stepping stone by a lot of people. "

" I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage. "

" I used to write things out beforehand. But sometimes it backfires. "

" You always think you're better than you are in the beginning. "

" I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work. "

" If I'm at a party and someone puts on a Blues Brothers tape, I tend to go nuts. "

" It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special. "

" And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy. "

" I will not be misquoted! "

" I loved Australia. I was very successful there. "

" My sister sometimes does a Todd Barry tribute act. "

" Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days. "

" I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written. "

" I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be when I started. "

" I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage. "

" I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up. "