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" I don't know how much the economy has changed since Jonathan Swift's 'A Modest Proposal.' "

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" Listen to my voice - I sound like I'm permanently congested. "

" Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird. "

" It's okay to take yourself too seriously if you're a serious actor and you've got the scrubs on. And then with me, it's kind of like, well, I'm a comedian, I'm making fun of everybody and everything. And I'm making fun of myself. I'm having fun making fun of and for other people. "

" I don't believe in alcohol. It's a sort of a medicinal necessity for the human condition, none of that stuff. I'm not a gambling man. "

" There's sketch, improv, writing, acting, music, and badminton. Those are the seven forms of comedy. But I do like the idea of being an auteur in the sense of writing and being in your own stuff. "

" It is good to connect to someone who reminds you that you have some real authenticity. "

" People dream their whole lives of their Oscar speech; I dreamt my whole life of hosting the Oscars. "

" I try to be an ethical, moral person and a nice person, and I like to have that reflected in my comedy. I'm not a mean comedian, and I don't think that my comedy is mean. I think that for the most part, it's more focused on the diversity that we all handle and try to provide a distraction from the disaster of modern living. "

" I love Denver. "

" You just put yourself into your work, and you can do anything you want, depending on how hard you want to work for it. "

" I would say that awards are for children. Because children need a tangible representation of their achievement. And as adults, you have to settle for the respect and admiration of your peers. "

" I feel a strong affinity to Ke$ha and Katy Perry and a lot of these women who are really pushing the girl power femme fatale thing. It's fun, and it's unapologetic, and they tell women they can do whatever they want, and that's true, and that's a message that I want to carry, to tell girls they can do whatever they want. "

" I always like to have a buffer between me and journalism in general. Not just a reporter, but journalism. "

" I do like the idea of being an auteur in the sense of writing and being in your own stuff. "

" We try and reflect that there's a lot of optimism, there's a lot of positive things that are happening in 'Silicon Valley'. "

" I think I'm just a comedian who's a pretty good con man, and I don't see that changing any time soon. "

" There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me. "

" I don't prepare for anything very well. I am not a good actor. I don't read scripts. "

" I consider myself a fairly ethical individual while I do have a lot of dichotomies within me. We're all victims of our own hypocrisy at times. "

" I told the Mucinex people, 'You picked me because I always sound sick'. They were like, 'Well, it doesn't hurt'. "

" I have perfectly symmetrical ankles. "

" I know about the tech industry in that I follow what apps are hot and software development. I know my way around different browsers. I know how to restart a computer. "

" Stuff that I write isn't as similar to the stuff that I'm in, but I don't really care. I just do comedy. "

" I like hip-hop, but I don't like concerts. There's, like, sweat on people's backs. "

" We're not a nation divided: we're a nation broken, and anything broken can be fixed. "

" I love writing but not crazy meticulous/prepared enough to be a director. I'd work as a gaffer on something. "

" I don't sit and write stand-up material; I come up with an idea onstage. "

" Hosting is a thankless job. "

" I consider everybody who takes themselves seriously to be a little bit off. And Silicon Valley seems to be the most effusive about how important their contributions are to society. "

" My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. "