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" It's interesting, because I tend to trust a man with big ears. "

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" Homemade sweaters are always itchy. "

" Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. "

" I'm always working on a few different stories at once, so there's always some really big coffee table book I'm carrying around. "

" One Christmas my father kept our tree up till March. He hated to see it go. I loved that. "

" It's one of my favorite things to do, watch TV and stretch. I'm so flexible. I can put my legs behind my head. I want to be the most flexible person in the world. "

" I know a lot about a few things - mostly useless things. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way. "

" It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. "

" Yes, I still love 'South Park,' but I also love morning TV now. "

" While some of my closest friends were jocks, it seemed that they spoke a different language with each other. Joining in their conversation was fraught with risk. "

" Generally I get up at around 7. But oftentimes, I'll be lolling in bed a little bit earlier - sometimes as early as 5:45 - filing in my mind all the things I have to get done. Which is, of course, totally unproductive. "

" I still don't know how to cook and that's just unacceptable. "

" Did I end up finding a little blue pill to cure America's electoral dysfunction? Unfortunately, it's not that simple. "

" The most important thing is to write material that YOU think is funny. If you don't think it's funny, but you're convinced that other people will think it is, well they won't. "

" I was way too hyperactive to study for long. I would freak out, then crash, then be too tired to read or write. I really should have had less sugar. "

" Politicians who wear little tennis socks with the balls at the back should not be taken seriously. "

" If I had a time machine I would go back 30 years and show up at my grandmother's apartment before the gargantuan meals she would serve and I would help her. "

" I'd rather call myself a mischief-maker, an imp, rather than a satirist. Satirist sounds so self important. Plus no one is calling himself an imp right now. It makes me feel special. "

" I'm in fact a hair under six feet, but I'm very svelte. People would never see me if I turned sideways. "

" Digital television, satellite radio, videogames, iPods - so much media. Do books even matter anymore? "

" I hate homemade sweaters. "

" I mean, you're gonna be left behind if you don't appreciate the genius that is Meredith Vieira. "

" I love the excess of Christmas. The shopping season that begins in September, the bad pop star recordings of Christmas carols, the decorations that don't know when to come down. "

" Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy. "

" I was not a jock in high school. I know, you're shocked. "

" Something that came as a shock to me is that we do not have a constitutional right to vote. And that's not just a fun little historical factoid. It actually has huge ramifications. It's the reason our system is so decentralized - in other words, chaotic. "

" I can't be everything to everyone. Send me your specs. "

" A young imagination is bold, likes to make bigger leaps. It likes to, well, imagine that the dustbuster is a dinosaur; that the computer mouse is a hotrod; that the box is a cave; that the rawhide is a torch... or a baton... or something. "

" My sophomore year I spent exactly one day on the JV football team. It was the tryout day. "