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" I couldn't sell air conditioners on a 98-degree day. When I demonstrated them in a showroom, I pushed the wrong button and blew the circuit. "

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" I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. "

" I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is. "

" What keeps me going is that young people still want to see me. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" I still have drive, but everything is relative. "

" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "

" I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me. "

" I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. "

" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "

" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "

" My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss. "

" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "

" I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. "

" You know what's funny to me? Attitude. "

" It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that. "

" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "

" It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great. "

" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "

" There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage. "

" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. "

" Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore. "

" I was a big shot in high school - big into social events and at the dramatic society - and I always had trouble in school. Not because I was a dummy, but I was always busy being the Jackson Heights clown. "

" I've never had a written script. "

" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "

" I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on. "

" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "

" When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit. "

" I didn't get married until I was 38. "