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All Quotes by author - Emo Philips

" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "

" Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. "

" Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "

" At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. "

" England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. "

" He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' "

" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "

" I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. "

" I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' "

" I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. "

" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. "

" I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. "

" I'm a great lover, I'll bet. "

" In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. "

" I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. "

" I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. "

" I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' "

" I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. "

" I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. "

" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. "

" I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. "

" My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. "

" My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. "

" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "

" People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. "

" Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. "

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