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" My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was if anybody had a problem with me, tell them to go to hell. "

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" You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. "

Al Franken

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You

" It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. "

" I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people. "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" Any joke can be funny, but not any joke is funny. Any joke has the potential to be hilarious to you, but more importantly, the joke has the potential to not be funny to you but to someone else. "

Phoebe Robinson

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Potential

" Let's have some new cliches. "

" When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.' "

" Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. "

" My career has always kind of moved forward and upward. I've never had anything kind of stall out or go in the opposite direction. I've always kind of been moving in the right direction. "

" I am built funny. Picture Mark Twain's head on Ichabod Crane's body. Now hold your mental picture to the light and crumple it. "

" It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" A word to the wise is infuriating. "

" I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. "

" Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. "

Alexander Woollcott

Illegal

Funny

" Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. "

" I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone? "

" Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. "

" To be or not to be. That's not really a question. "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much. "

" Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. "

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" Every dogma has its day. "

" If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. "

" My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. "

Jay London

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" Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. "

Caroline Rhea

" Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it. "

" I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. "