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" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "
Demetri Martin
Good
Now
Play
Related Quotes:
" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "
Demetri Martin
Done
Go
Easy
" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Kid
Me
" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "
Demetri Martin
Know
You
Love
" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "
Demetri Martin
Direction
Dreams
Go
" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "
Demetri Martin
Child
Bird
Bee
" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "
Demetri Martin
Loser
Good
Time
" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "
Demetri Martin
Said
Wearing
T-Shirt
" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "
Demetri Martin
I Am
Out
Trying
" To me, comedy is a game. "
Demetri Martin
Comedy
Me
Game
" People only have so much attention. "
Demetri Martin
Attention
People
Only
" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "
Demetri Martin
Someone
Hell
Nice
" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "
Demetri Martin
Girl
Love
Pet
" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "
Demetri Martin
Love
School
Up
" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "
Demetri Martin
Choose
Building
Time
" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "
Demetri Martin
Decision
Today
Morning
" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "
Demetri Martin
Win
Wonder
You
" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "
Demetri Martin
Internet
Every Day
People
" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "
Demetri Martin
Lady
Scale
Said
" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "
Demetri Martin
Government
College
History
" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "
Demetri Martin
Game
Busy
Me
" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "
Demetri Martin
You
Me
I Am
" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "
Demetri Martin
Funeral
Saying
Same
" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "
Demetri Martin
Doing
You
Think
" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Stand Up
Think
" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "
Demetri Martin
Years
Started
Old
" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "
Demetri Martin
Long
Story
Doing
" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "
Demetri Martin
Drunk
He
Persuasive
" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "
Demetri Martin
Funny
Finish
Go
" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "
Demetri Martin
Friend
Fat
You
" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "
Demetri Martin
Places
Politics
Velvet