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" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

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" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "

" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "

" People only have so much attention. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "

" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "