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" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

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" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" I never set out to do a sketch show. "

" Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "

" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. "