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" I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. "

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" I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. "

" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "

" I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane. "

" I have rooms full of little dongly things and don't want any more. Half the little dongly things I've got, I don't even know what gizmo they're for. More importantly, half the gizmos I've got, I don't know where their little dongly thing is. "

" Personally, I feel like I'm trying to redefine what a really good rapper can be like. Like, I think it's not often where a good rapper can be making funny music. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain. "

" When you write your first book aged 25 or so, you have 25 years of experience, albeit much of it juvenile experience. The second book comes after an extra year sitting in bookshops. Pretty soon, you begin to run on empty. "

" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "

" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "

" We no longer think of chairs as technology; we just think of them as chairs. But there was a time when we hadn't worked out how many legs chairs should have, how tall they should be, and they would often 'crash' when we tried to use them. "

" To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. "

Misunderstanding

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. "

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "

" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "

" I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously. "

" I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once. "

" Instant gratification takes too long. "

" Everyone who has ever met me for at least five minutes knows I'm a really funny person. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, so writing comedy comes naturally to me. "

" If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" I'm fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There's something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth. "

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "

" What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. "

" We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. "