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" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "
" Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. "
" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "
" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "
" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "
" There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny. "
" He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. "
" When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again. "
" 'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. "
" After all is said and done, sit down. "
" How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. "
" My mother was a nurse, and in her era, most diseases weren't understood; people put mustard plasters on knees and rubbed camphor on your chest if you had a cough and did funny things to you if you had tuberculosis - all these things that really made very little difference once proper treatments were brought in. "
" The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. "
" I am optimistic globally. So many scientists are working frantically on the reparation of our planet. "
" For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. "
" It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. "
" I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. "
" That might have a lot to do with it, but you know, I probably don't show fear, but I suffer from fear like everyone else. "
" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "
" I read part of it all the way through. "
" It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance. "
" I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. "
David Lee Roth
" Some of the best bad guys in movies are funny and charming. "
" People use the guise of art, and artistic expression, to do all kinds of hateful things. It's like Trump and everybody else using the guise of humor to say hateful things, the excuse being, 'I was just being funny.' "
" I believe that education is all about being excited about something. Seeing passion and enthusiasm helps push an educational message. "
" Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. "
" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "
" Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. "
" Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "
" All men are equal before fish. "
" What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. "