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" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

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" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

" It's so funny because I listen to songs that I recorded that I didn't really know anything about at the time. Later on I'm starting to feel the songs. Sing them first, feel them later. "

" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. "

" If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? "

Abraham Lincoln

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. "

" You can't be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That's just hysterically funny. "

" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. "

" Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. "

Robert A. Heinlein

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. "

Abraham Lincoln

" Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know? "

Kris Holden-Ried

" What's so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human. "

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. "

Seann William Scott

" I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. "

" By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. "

Richard Dawkins

" Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. "

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" I like having a beard. What's funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days. "

" Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids. "

" If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. "

" Movies don't look hard, but figuring it out, getting the shape of it, getting everybody's character right and having it be funny, make sense and be romantic, it's creating a puzzle. Yes, having been a writer for so long, I have an awareness of when things are going awry, but it doesn't mean I know how to fix them. "