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" I never set out to do a sketch show. "

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" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "