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" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

Demetri Martin

World

Name

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" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

Demetri Martin

Game

Busy

" I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' "

" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

Demetri Martin

Important

Track

" I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. "

" A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' "

Demetri Martin

Mind

Never

" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

Demetri Martin

Comedy

Game

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

Demetri Martin

Direction

Dreams

" I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

Demetri Martin

Actor

Funny

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. "

" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "

" And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. "

Demetri Martin

Far

Favorite