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" I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. "

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" I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse. "

" Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it. "

" As any Brit will understand, things get a little easier when you don't have to be number one any more. Really, the fall of an empire is not as bad as everyone thinks. It's like retirement. People fear retirement, but it can turn out be rather pleasant. "

" It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be. "

" There is so much cross-pollination between the U.S. and Britain in terms of comedians. British TV comedies work well in the U.S. American stand-ups make it big in Britain. "

" I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas. "

" Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. "

" I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead. "

" There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that. "

" Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England, it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing. "

" The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked. "

" Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually. "

" Americans just don't understand dry wit. "

" Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had. "

" I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life. "

" There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes. "

" I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have. "

" I would hate to meet myself at 15. "

" People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character. "

" The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen. "

" I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go. "

" I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free. "

" We in Britain stopped evolving gastronomically with the advent of the pie. Everything beyond that seemed like a brave, frightening new world. We knew the French were up to something across the Channel, but we didn't want anything to do with it. "

" People are friendlier in New York than London. "

" It really helps a comedian to be an outsider. "

" I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression. "

" Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can. "

" Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life. "

" I feel non-stop Brit shame! "

" You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.' "