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" People only have so much attention. "

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" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" I never set out to do a sketch show. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "

" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "