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" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

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" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" People only have so much attention. "

" I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

" I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' "

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "