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" I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone. "

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" I had some friends that tried it down there, and I went to a couple of open mics, and I just kind of got this... this sick urge to try it instead of just watching it. "

" I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians. "

" Only lately, like within the last few years, have I had people actually do an impression of me to me, which weirds me out to think of what they have picked up on, without ever realizing it myself. "

" My sister sometimes does a Todd Barry tribute act. "

" I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate. "

" I guess there seems to be clubs opening up again, which is strange. "

" I once sat next to Jim from Wild Kingdom on a flight from Atlanta. I find mentioning that opens a lot of doors. "

" People don't understand that that's really what it is. They're looking for a magic phone number or something. And to a certain extent, I understand that, because comedy is treated so much as a stepping stone by a lot of people. "

" I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport. "

" You always think you're better than you are in the beginning. "

" Some venues are better run than others. Sometimes it's just maddening to deal with full dinners being served in front of your face. You can have a good or bad show anywhere. "

" It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special. "

" I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work. "

" I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage. "

" I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right. "

" People in New York love having roof parties. "

" I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase. "

" There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake. "

" I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage. "

" Anyone who bombs is my friend. "

" I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all. "

" You come there and hang out and have a drink before the show and eat, so it's not that brutal. It's only $6. "

" I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place. "

" Well, I have since seen you at Tinkle. It's a comedy show started by David Cross, me and Jon Benjamin. It features a wide variety of acts for all tastes and seasons. "

" I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up. "

" It was actually 3 years between albums. That seems like a long time to me. "

" I will not be misquoted! "

" I mean, I've always had scattered interests, but I never went on stage to get an agent or anything like that. "

" I loved Australia. I was very successful there. "

" I used to write things out beforehand. But sometimes it backfires. "