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" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

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" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "