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" We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go. "

Pat Paulsen

Way

Beautiful

Late

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" I don't need adult supervision. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

Pat Paulsen

Alive

Find

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

Pat Paulsen

Now

Standards

" If elected, I will win. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" As I've always said: The future lies ahead. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "

Pat Paulsen

Got

Than

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "