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" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

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" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not? "

" Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.' "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" Deep down, I happen to be very shallow. "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" I've upped my standards. Now, up yours. "

" If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it? "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk. "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "