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" J. P. Morgan. He was kind of a douche. "

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" I do comedy to give people an ephemeral escape from the tragedy that permeates everyday life. "

" 'Yogi Bear' changed my life in ways that I can't explain because it's not a full feature on me. 'Yogi Bear' - there's everything before 'Yogi Bear,' and there's everything after 'Yogi Bear.' Like a major car accident, or the birth of Christ. "

" I like hip-hop, but I don't like concerts. There's, like, sweat on people's backs. "

" By the very nature of satire or parody, you have to love and respect your target and respect it enough to understand every aspect of it, so you can more effectively make fun of it. "

" I don't prepare for anything very well. I am not a good actor. I don't read scripts. "

" Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird. "

" My father always said I have a face for radio, and 'Cloverfield' was one of my finest pieces of work. "

" I don't know that I would host the Golden Globes or the Emmys because I don't think they have the appreciation for irreverence that the Critics Choice does. "

" There is no place for a person like me in a world that only takes itself seriously. Satire is so necessary but fairly ineffective. "

" I don't know how much the economy has changed since Jonathan Swift's 'A Modest Proposal.' "

" I have perfectly symmetrical ankles. "

" I laugh at absurdity hardest, then stories, then observations, then bearded men on roller skates. "

" I love mispronunciations. I love when people mispronounce things. "

" I love Denver. "

" I was the Head Boy of East High School in 1999. I represent 303 - the area code, not the band - Mile High, until I die. I'm 31, a comedian; I juggle, but I don't glove it. I think waxed mustaches run a very thin line between hipster and 1800s barkeep. "

" I'm a stand-up. I'm never worried about getting my next role. That's never distressing to me. "

" I'm a Nietzschean scholar. I've read an immense amount about nihilism and existentialism. "

" I consider everybody who takes themselves seriously to be a little bit off. And Silicon Valley seems to be the most effusive about how important their contributions are to society. "

" Comedy gives you a shot of euphoria that distracts you from everything that's awful. "

" I know about the tech industry in that I follow what apps are hot and software development. I know my way around different browsers. I know how to restart a computer. "

" I do like the idea of being an auteur in the sense of writing and being in your own stuff. "

" Mucinex were like, 'Would you like to be the Mucinex man? You sound like you're sick right now'. In each spot, they give me a little bit of room to do something strange. And in a world of fractured mediums, where there is no zeitgeist, and you get your comedy from your phone, it's all content. "

" It is good to connect to someone who reminds you that you have some real authenticity. "

" I can't stand Snapchat, but that will be extinct before it is relevant. "

" If you're a psychologist, you can instrumentally change peoples lives for the better. But you can only do that for about 300 people to maybe a thousand people - if you're really prolific and you're working really hard. "

" I think it is very important to be a method actor. "

" I consider myself a fairly ethical individual while I do have a lot of dichotomies within me. We're all victims of our own hypocrisy at times. "

" Hosting is a thankless job. "

" One of the exciting things about an entanglement puzzle is there's no end to it. Once you solve how to take it apart, you have to solve how to put it back together. "

" Effective satire has to be almost identical to the subject that it is skewering. "