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" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

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" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" For an introvert his environment is himself and can never be subject to startling or unforeseen change. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. "

" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "

" The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "

" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "

" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin. "

" There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings. "

" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

" Living en famille provides the strongest motives for rudeness combined with the maximum opportunity for displaying it. "

" Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses. "

" It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "

" Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are. "

" The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" Manners are love in a cool climate. "