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" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "

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" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

" You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. "

" I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum. "

" The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. "

" The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "

" Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. "

" It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom. "

" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "

" There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings. "

" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "

" Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. "

" Manners are love in a cool climate. "

" Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses. "

" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "

" For an introvert his environment is himself and can never be subject to startling or unforeseen change. "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency. "