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" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "
Quentin Crisp
Nothing
Misfortunes
Laugh
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" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "
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Dress
Wearing
Simply
" I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum. "
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Involvement
Other
People
" You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. "
Quentin Crisp
Fire
You
Open
" Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. "
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Sleep
Need
More
" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "
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Know
Despise
Everybody
" Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses. "
Quentin Crisp
Finding
Character
Intelligence
" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "
Quentin Crisp
Over
Never
Won
" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "
Quentin Crisp
Four
First
Dirt
" The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right. "
Quentin Crisp
Time
Happy
Happiness
" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "
Quentin Crisp
Enough
Last
Relationships
" Manners are love in a cool climate. "
Quentin Crisp
Climate
Manners
Love
" In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis. "
Quentin Crisp
Live
Universe
Human
" The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency. "
Quentin Crisp
Life
Happiness
Moving
" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "
Quentin Crisp
Get
Laid
Men
" For an introvert his environment is himself and can never be subject to startling or unforeseen change. "
Quentin Crisp
Change
Environment
Introvert
" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "
Quentin Crisp
Neighbors
Same
Having
" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "
Quentin Crisp
Last
Refuge
Sex
" The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. "
Quentin Crisp
Opinion
People
Purpose
" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "
Quentin Crisp
Imagine
Give
Force
" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "
Quentin Crisp
Meant To Be
Farm
Good
" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "
Quentin Crisp
Trouble
Children
" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "
Quentin Crisp
Man
Level
He
" The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. "
Quentin Crisp
Genius
Poverty
Having
" My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. "
Quentin Crisp
Mother
Father
Parenting
" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "
Quentin Crisp
Never
Up
Level
" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "
Quentin Crisp
Obituary
Missing
Last
" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "
Quentin Crisp
Wearing
Diplomatic
Unpleasant
" Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost? "
Quentin Crisp
Lost
World
Whole
" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "
Quentin Crisp
Carry
Virtue
Vice
" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "
Quentin Crisp
Treat
Relationship
Achieving