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" However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police. "

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" An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. "

" I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. "

" It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style. "

" For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. "

" When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? "

" Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. "

" I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum. "

" Men get laid, but women get screwed. "

" There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings. "

" It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough. "

" If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. "

" Living en famille provides the strongest motives for rudeness combined with the maximum opportunity for displaying it. "

" Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. "

" The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. "

" Abatement in the hostility of one's enemies must never be thought to signify they have been won over. It only means that one has ceased to constitute a threat. "

" The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency. "

" Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. "

" It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom. "

" Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are. "

" The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. "

" The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. "

" To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody. "

" Vice is its own reward. It is virtue which, if it is to be marketed with consumer appeal, must carry Green Shield stamps. "

" Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. "

" There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. "

" Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne. "

" Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation of which the filing system has been lost? "

" Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. "

" Sex is the last refuge of the miserable. "

" The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress. "