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" To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller. "

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" Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood. "

" I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. "

" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "

" I was a big shot in high school - big into social events and at the dramatic society - and I always had trouble in school. Not because I was a dummy, but I was always busy being the Jackson Heights clown. "

" When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit. "

" I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people. "

" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. "

" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "

" Honestly, I didn't realize it - all of a sudden, I was 90. The years skipped by quickly. When it happened, I said, 'Where did the time go?' "

" Sinatra was somebody special. "

" Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. "

" When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. "

" You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter. "

" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "

" At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. "

" We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't. "

" Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. "

" If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance. "

" When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me. "

" You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up. "

" You've got to be able to sell yourself. "

" I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. "

" After over 50 years of headlining, I've been received very beautifully. But I always say, when you're onstage, you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's OK. "

" Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me. "