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" I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. "
Don Rickles
Situation
Joke
I Can
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" The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island. "
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Island
" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "
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" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "
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" An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings. "
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Title
" My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world. "
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Years
Food
Best
" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "
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High
High School
Laugh
" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "
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Navy
Last
Me
" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "
Don Rickles
People
You
Bad
" When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit. "
Don Rickles
Soul
School
Life
" When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last. "
Don Rickles
Everyone
Stand
You
" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "
Don Rickles
Just
Know
Now
" Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore. "
Don Rickles
Who
Adore
Best
" I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. "
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Everything
Life
Out
" Honestly, I didn't realize it - all of a sudden, I was 90. The years skipped by quickly. When it happened, I said, 'Where did the time go?' "
Don Rickles
Time
Go
Realize
" I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me. "
Don Rickles
Care
Road
Me
" Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion. "
Don Rickles
Opinion
Kings
King
" Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is. "
Don Rickles
Die
Crazy
Head
" Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive. "
Don Rickles
Think
Positive
Hope
" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "
Don Rickles
Me
Struggle
Comedy
" It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that. "
Don Rickles
People
Accept
Say
" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "
Don Rickles
School
Book
Day
" I told jokes badly. "
Don Rickles
Badly
Jokes
" Funny is funny. "
Don Rickles
Funny
" Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. "
Don Rickles
Going
Down
Sometimes
" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "
Don Rickles
Like
Empire
Building
" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "
Don Rickles
Stand Up
Stand
Know
" I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. "
Don Rickles
Say
Things
Joke
" I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.' "
Don Rickles
Dinner
Man
Here
" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "
Don Rickles
Friends
God
Thank God
" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "
Don Rickles
Boy
Person
You