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" What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. "

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" The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives. "

" In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. "

" When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. "

" The lack of money is the root of all evil. "

" It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. "

" The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. "

" To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. "

" The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. "

" Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. "

" I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.' "

" There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. "

" Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. "

" The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. "

" Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. "

" It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. "

" My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. "

" As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. "

" We are all alike, on the inside. "

" Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired. "

" Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. "

" My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. "

" The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. "

" When in doubt tell the truth. "

" There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. "

" The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. "

" In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had. "

" The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "

" Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. "

Do The Right Thing

" Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. "

College Education

" The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. "