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" When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number. "

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" I'll sign anything except bad legislation. "

" These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable. "

" I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow. "

" I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school. "

" We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians. "

" The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount. "

" We've had to be creative to get on the ballot. "

" I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough. "

" We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning. "

" A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life. "

" Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. "

" Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people. "

" Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way. "

" I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care. "

" You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing. "

" May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore. "

" I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate. "

" How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design? "

" And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians. "

" We were a country band with a social conscience. "

" I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow. "

" The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life. "

" I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma! "

" I see an issue I like, and I support it. "

" If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus. "

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" Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test. "