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" These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable. "

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" I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail. "

" The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.' "

" Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people. "

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" I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma! "

" Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test. "

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" I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us. "

" We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning. "

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" William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another. "

" I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life. "

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" Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest. "

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" Young people are the key to this election. "

" I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes. "

" The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror. "

" I see an issue I like, and I support it. "

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" I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow. "

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