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" I'll sign anything except bad legislation. "

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" When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number. "

" The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.' "

" No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions. "

" I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow. "

" I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough. "

" How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design? "

" The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system. "

" I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life. "

" These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable. "

" You struggle with your demons and you conquer them. "

" The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror. "

" I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us. "

" And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians. "

" William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another. "

" You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing. "

" I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate. "

" Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test. "

" We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians. "

" Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. "

" Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way. "

" May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore. "

" We were a country band with a social conscience. "

" Young people are the key to this election. "

" I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma! "

" I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors. "

" I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes. "

" I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail. "

" I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you. "

" I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care. "

" Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people. "