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" Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way. "

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" I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. "

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

" I was probably tall as a child, but I just stopped growing. "

" It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" You get one life. I'm going to embrace mine. "

" Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. "

" I like Ben Stein. I think he's funny, creative, and an insightful commentator on a host of issues. "

" The tour bus is always fun, and there's plenty of time to watch movies. Actually, Kanye introduced me to the movie 'Step Brothers.' We were sitting there, watching it and clowning around - it was so funny, man. "

" Comedy's about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you're saying. "

" When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. "

" I get that racism exists, but it's not a catalyst for my content. I don't need to talk about race to have material. My style of comedy is more self-deprecating. I think that makes me more relatable. When you deal with 'topics' - race, white versus black - you're not separating from the pack. You're doing what everybody else is doing. "

" Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. "

" Stand-up comedy is mine: it's my entity; it's my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it. "

" Probably spending 12 years at boarding school - comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty. "

" I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. "

" Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. "

" I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. "

" I don't think you get successful to brag and throw what you have in the world's face. That's all private. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" Every dogma has its day. "

Anthony Burgess

" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

" To me, wealth is the peace of mind you have, your family, your friends, your colleagues. Everything else is just money, and it really is funny how people pay so much attention to that. "

Ricardo Salinas Pliego

" Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book. "

" I think the message has already been sent to Hollywood, which is that this kid's a hard worker, he's talented, and people are coming out to see him. And when you have box-office results, Hollywood treats you different. Hollywood stands up. "

" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "