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" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

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" Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. "

" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. "

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. "

" They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls. "

" The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. "

Jean de la Bruyere

" I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person. "

" To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. "

" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "

Charles Dudley Warner

" When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. "

" I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2,000 people. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "

" It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail. "

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. "

Christopher Plummer

" Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist. "

Sarah Silverman

" I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. "

" I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. "

" All men are equal before fish. "

" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "

Robert Benchley

" I run around my house naked with heels all the time. It's so funny. "

Mary-Kate Olsen

" The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' "

Richard Branson

" There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast. "

J. Michael Straczynski