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" I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. "

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" Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. "

" It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images. "

" They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? "

" I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do. "

" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. "

" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "

" I saw a stationery store move. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

Benjamin Disraeli

" So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. "

" I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff. "

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "

" If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" It's funny because I've made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say. "

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I have a rule - 'funny is funny!' When I write comedy, it's not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will also be very intelligent and relevant. At my shows, there are no holy cows. "

" I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. "

" If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. "

" It's so funny because I listen to songs that I recorded that I didn't really know anything about at the time. Later on I'm starting to feel the songs. Sing them first, feel them later. "

" Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons. "

" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "

" I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. "

" You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "