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" Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. "

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" There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me. "

" Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. "

" Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing. "

" A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. "

George Bernard Shaw

" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "

Benjamin Franklin

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it. "

" I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. "

" My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. "

Angie Dickinson

" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

Garrison Keillor

" Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. "

Sparky Anderson

" Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out for each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun. "

Jennette McCurdy

" I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. "

Flannery O'Connor

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" I like marriage. The idea. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. "

" My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" I never looked at myself as the fat sister. Sometimes I would beat people to the punch and say, 'Oh I'm the fat, funny one,' because that's what people would say about me. But I never really thought that. "

Khloe Kardashian

" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "

" With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. "

" A corpse is meat gone bad. Well and what's cheese? Corpse of milk. "

" There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny. "

" It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" Think you're escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home. "

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "