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" Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. "

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" I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time. "

" The secret of getting ahead is getting started. "

Getting Started

" Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. "

" Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. "

" There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce. "

" Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all. "

" Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. "

" The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. "

" It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. "

" All emotion is involuntary when genuine. "

" By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "

" Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. "

" I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. "

" It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. "

" Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. "

" When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. "

" Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. "

" The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. "

" The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. "

" Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. "

" A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. "

" Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. "

" Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. "

" The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. "

" It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. "

" It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. "

" The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. "

" Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. "

" If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. "