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" Comedy's really subjective, you know. "
Karl Pilkington
Comedy
Know
Really
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" I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great. "
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" If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared. "
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" I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life. "
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" I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything. "
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" I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand. "
Karl Pilkington
Top
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" We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.' "
Karl Pilkington
Life
Find
Saying
" I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest. "
Karl Pilkington
Parent
Good
Good Parent
" I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about. "
Karl Pilkington
Say
House
Best
" Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really. "
Karl Pilkington
Always
Me
She
" A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect. "
Karl Pilkington
Slug
Own
Always
" I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes? "
Karl Pilkington
Years
Water
Think
" Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight. "
Karl Pilkington
Yesterday
Challenge
Painting
" People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! "
Karl Pilkington
You
Alone
Duck
" It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed. "
Karl Pilkington
Diary
You
Pretty
" Chinese people age overnight. "
Karl Pilkington
Age
Chinese
Overnight
" I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit. "
Karl Pilkington
Short
People
Deep
" All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird. "
Karl Pilkington
Know
Nice
Saying
" We should all love animals. "
Karl Pilkington
Animals
Love
Should
" I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax. "
Karl Pilkington
Change
Like
Relax
" When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in. "
Karl Pilkington
Abroad
You
Job
" For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see. "
Karl Pilkington
Value
See
Money
" If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented. "
Karl Pilkington
Bath
Documented
Chunks
" I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash. "
Karl Pilkington
Me
Money
Nice
" People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door. "
Karl Pilkington
Glass
Who
People
" I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference. "
Karl Pilkington
Difference
Doing
Am
" The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere. "
Karl Pilkington
Body
Day
End
" I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there. "
Karl Pilkington
Much
Watch
Weird
" Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do. "
Karl Pilkington
Young
Better
Getting Old
" I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs. "
Karl Pilkington
Win
Night
Know
" You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go. "
Karl Pilkington
Go
You
Only