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" Everybody asks me what it was like to be in my underwear for my network television debut. "

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" When you get into a car, and there's trash, or it's dirty, or one of the hubcaps is off, you're like, 'Come on, dude.' Every woman likes the confidence and self-respect that says, 'I get oil changes. I look after my vehicle.' That's what I recommend: Act like you don't care, but take care of your body. "

" I try to be an ethical, moral person and a nice person, and I like to have that reflected in my comedy. I'm not a mean comedian, and I don't think that my comedy is mean. I think that for the most part, it's more focused on the diversity that we all handle and try to provide a distraction from the disaster of modern living. "

" You just put yourself into your work, and you can do anything you want, depending on how hard you want to work for it. "

" J. P. Morgan. He was kind of a douche. "

" There's sketch, improv, writing, acting, music, and badminton. Those are the seven forms of comedy. But I do like the idea of being an auteur in the sense of writing and being in your own stuff. "

" I told the Mucinex people, 'You picked me because I always sound sick'. They were like, 'Well, it doesn't hurt'. "

" Effective satire has to be almost identical to the subject that it is skewering. "

" I care less about selling tickets and getting Twitter followers than I do about making as many people laugh as I can. I'd rather make people laugh than make them know who T.J. Miller is. "

" I have perfectly symmetrical ankles. "

" I like hip-hop, but I don't like concerts. There's, like, sweat on people's backs. "

" Life is hard. Not great. Kind of tragic. "

" I know about the tech industry in that I follow what apps are hot and software development. I know my way around different browsers. I know how to restart a computer. "

" To become the best comedian, I must be well-rounded. "

" I don't know that I would host the Golden Globes or the Emmys because I don't think they have the appreciation for irreverence that the Critics Choice does. "

" There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me. "

" I laugh at absurdity hardest, then stories, then observations, then bearded men on roller skates. "

" I would say that awards are for children. Because children need a tangible representation of their achievement. And as adults, you have to settle for the respect and admiration of your peers. "

" My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. "

" To be honest, I would never have imagined myself acting on a sitcom that I didn't write. "

" I drink a fair amount of ramen noodles. "

" I don't believe in alcohol. It's a sort of a medicinal necessity for the human condition, none of that stuff. I'm not a gambling man. "

" If you're a psychologist, you can instrumentally change peoples lives for the better. But you can only do that for about 300 people to maybe a thousand people - if you're really prolific and you're working really hard. "

" I love Denver. "

" It's always fun to agree to be in a movie when you have no idea what it's actually going to be! "

" We're not a nation divided: we're a nation broken, and anything broken can be fixed. "

" I consider myself a fairly ethical individual while I do have a lot of dichotomies within me. We're all victims of our own hypocrisy at times. "

" I'm a stand-up. I'm never worried about getting my next role. That's never distressing to me. "

" 'Yogi Bear' changed my life in ways that I can't explain because it's not a full feature on me. 'Yogi Bear' - there's everything before 'Yogi Bear,' and there's everything after 'Yogi Bear.' Like a major car accident, or the birth of Christ. "

" Always remember: My general theme is 'There is no message.' There never has been. Stop trying to find the message or the meaning in everything. That's. My. Theme. "

" It doesn't matter to me if I'm in love with my performance, so I watch all of my performances to understand and learn from them and figure out what's working and what's not. And I see the movies that I'm in in the theater a lot. "